Description[]
Nintendo vs Imangi Studios! Whatever you do, don't steal from these two guardian primates! Which one will overpower the other?
Interlude[]
Wiz: Stealing is a very foolish thing to do. It can result in you being sent to prison, but sometimes, it results in you being beaten to a bloody pulp by these two guardian primates.
Boomstick: Such as Donkey Kong, guardian of the world's largest banana horde...
Wiz: And Cuchanck, guardian of the idol.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Donkey Kong[]
Wiz: Long ago, an illegal pet gorilla famously did battle with his abusive owner atop a construction site. The ape's name was Donkey Kong and things didn't go so well for the primate. After escaping, he fled to a remote island with his son, also named Donkey Kong. His son would later bear a child destined to rule the island. This powerful ape was named... you guessed it, Donkey Kong.
Boomstick: This ape is the guardian of the world's largest banana horde. Why? Cause unlike real gorillas, who primarily eat plants, like stems and bamboo shoots, and sometimes termites to fight diarrhea, he LOVES bananas.
Wiz: You would have to be seriously brave or seriously daft to try and steal from this ape. And yet his enemies have been bold enough to steal his entire stockpile several times. Right out from under his nose.
Boomstick: Much like the ape that inspired him, Donkey Kong is twice as big as a normal gorilla, standing at about eight feet tall and weighing 800 pounds.
Wiz: Donkey Kong is also much, MUCH stronger than a normal gorilla, being able to send his victims flying beyond the horizon with his trademark Giant Punch.
Boomstick: And you're thinking that that would make him slow, right? Wrong! He can unleash a flurry of blows so fast, he ignites the hydrogen in the air, creating explosions!
Wiz: While common gorillas have impressed the scientific community by using basic tools, Donkey Kong is a little beyond that. Donkey Kong can make use of the Coconut Shooter, which holds up to 20 homing coconuts, and the Orange Grenades, which are actual fruit turned into actual explosives.
Boomstick: And if King Kong actually existed, I would personally dare him to create a shockwave strong enough to shatter meteors, survive point blank explosions multiple times, eat an entire plantation of bananas in a single afternoon, dodge arrows on a narrow ledge and punch the Moon out of orbit after surviving an explosion that launched him into orbit.
Wiz: He can even transform into Strong Kong by jumping into a Donkey Barrel after being purchased from Cranky's Lab in the area Angry Aztec for five coins.
Boomstick: In this form, Donkey Kong is completely immune to damage and can walk on things such as quicksand and lava. The longer Donkey Kong is in Strong Kong mode, the more Crystal Coconuts he will use up; if Donkey Kong runs out of Crystal Coconuts, he will lose his Strong Kong power.
Wiz: However, should the hair on the top of his head be cut, he will lose all his strength. Also, Donkey Kong is kind of a idiot.
Boomstick: While suffering from amnesia, a pirate crocodile was able to convince him that he was a crocodile, through song and dance. Donkey Kong joined in, singing about physical features he clearly does not possess.
Wiz: He is also lazy as he is unintelligent. One time, he and Diddy Kong were making a killing selling frozen coconuts and could've had all the bananas they ever wanted, but the simple task of just cracking coconuts open all day was too strenuous for Donkey Kong, so he sold the business for a couple measly bananas.
Boomstick: Bananas are the only motivator that seem to work on DK, but they're also the only one he needs to bring out the big guns. If someone separates him from his precious banana stockpile, they're gonna get a royal thrashing.
Donkey Kong: (singing) From uptop of the White Mountains...
Boomstick: Did I ask for that cancer-inducing song?!
Cuchanck[]
Wiz: Cuchanck endlessly pursues Guy Dangerous, the one who stole the idol Cuchanck was the guardian of. And yes, the protagonist's name is Guy Dangerous.
Boomstick: While his size and weight are unspecified, we can assume he is the same size of a gorilla, if not, even larger.
Wiz: For a monkey, Cuchanck is strong enough to smash through solid rock with little effort. And before you say anything, yes, he is a monkey.
Boomstick: Monkey my ass! Anyway, Cuchanck is so determined to catch Guy Dangerous, that he doesn't even stop to blow his hand after riding a zip-line. He also has impressive swimming skills in spite of his sheer size.
Wiz: Cuchanck also possesses durability, being able to walk through fire traps and come out none the prettier and smash through spinning spike traps like they're nothing.
Boomstick: And despite his size, he can somehow run across narrow ledges and can leap great distances despite his weight.
Wiz: Speaking of which, Cuchanck is also a pretty bad jumper due to his sheer weight. But despite that, no matter how far Guy Dangerous runs, Cuchanck will always be behind him.
Boomstick: You can run 6000 meters and Cuchanck will still be behind you.
Wiz: A normal human's running speed is about 28 miles per hour. Although it is likely that Cuchanck is the same size as a gorilla, if not, even larger, it can be assumed that his running speed is about 20 miles per hour. However, as I explicitly stated, Cuchanck is a monkey. Which means Cuchanck's running speed is actually 34 miles per hour.
Boomstick: Man, is there any stopping this guy?!
Wiz: Well, since Temple Run 2 is an endless running video game, it is likely that Cuchanck will never catch Guy Dangerous. Sure Guy Dangerous can be caught if he touches too many obstacles, but still.
Boomstick: OK...? Um, anyway, if a finger touches the idol, Cuchanck will chase them down and never, ever stop chasing them. Ever.
Cuchanck devours Guy Dangerous.
Boomstick: Well, that is until the victim touches too many obstacles.
Announcement[]
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Donkey Kong enters a temple. He then sees an idol and observes it before taking it. Suddenly, Cuchanck rushes in and roars at Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong pounds his chest and roars, challenging Cuchanck for the idol. Cuchanck accepts Donkey Kong's challenge with a roar.
FIGHT!
Donkey Kong tries to punch Cuchanck in the face, but Cuchanck ducks and tackles Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong forces Cuchanck off with a punch and leaps forward, trying to pounce on Cuchanck and strangle him. However, Cuchanck safely gets out of Donkey Kong's attacks unharmed, as Donkey Kong still tries to attack in his current area. Donkey Kong then gets dizzy after his attack, leaving him vulnerable. Taking advantage of this, Cuchanck whirls to the side and slams his fist into Donkey Kong's chest, knocking him down. Just as Donkey Kong gets up, Cuchanck slams his fists on Donkey Kong's back. Donkey Kong gets up and gets furious. Cuchanck underestimates Donkey Kong with a roar. He is suddenly hit by a coconut. Donkey Kong proceeds to fire his Coconut Shooter at Cuchanck. Cuchanck manages to block some of them until Donkey Kong starts firing at his stomach. Cuchanck angrily knocks the Coconut Shooter out of Donkey Kong's hand and grabs his throat with one hand. Donkey Kong retaliates by sending Cuchanck flying back with a strong punch. Donkey Kong then grabs the idol and runs away. Cuchanck recovers and sees Donkey Kong escaping. Cuchanck roars with extreme anger and pursues Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong rides on a zip-line with Cuchanck not too far behind him. The rope starts to burn Donkey Kong's hand. Once Donkey Kong reaches the platform, he falls on his stomach, making Cuchanck fly over him. Donkey Kong gets up to blow his hand. Cuchanck turns toward Donkey Kong and lets out an enraged roar before charging at him. By the time Donkey Kong realizesCuchanck is charging at him, Cuchanck punches him, forcing him back. Donkey Kong is dangerously close to falling to his death. Cuchanck roars at Donkey Kong and runs at him to push him over the edge, but Donkey Kong manages to tackle Cuchanck. He then proceeds to punch him in the face with enough force to shatter his entire skull. Donkey Kong takes the idol, steps on Cuchanck's headless body and starts pounding his chest while holding the idol and roaring victoriously.
K.O.!
Results[]
Boomstick: Now Guy Dangerous has an even worse pursuer to deal with.
Wiz: Cuchanck may have been smarter than Donkey Kong, but only that got him so far against Donkey Kong.
Boomstick: Sure Cuchanck can smash through solid rock and take fire like it's nothing, but Donkey Kong can deadlift pirate ships out of the ground while standing on them and can tank point-blank cannonball fire.
Wiz: Cuchanck is a surprisingly adept swimmer, but really, strength and endurance is all he has, while Donkey Kong has a Coconut Shooter and Orange Grenades at his disposal.
Boomstick: It doesn't help that Donkey Kong spends his afternoons punchin' crocodiles to death, while Cuchanck endlessly pursues the one who stole the idol he was the guardian of.
Wiz: Sure Cuchanck was faster, much like a previous Death Battle loser, but in the end, Donkey Kong's superior strength and durability proved too much for him.
Boomstick: Donkey Kong put the "prime" in primate.
Wiz: The winner is Donkey Kong.
Advantages & Disadvantages[]
Donkey Kong[]
+ WAY stronger
+ More durable
+ Much more experienced
+ Has weapons like the Coconut Shooter and Orange Grenades at his disposal
+ Strong Kong is a huge trump card
- Not as smart
- Slower
- Cuchanck still has good endurance, being able to take fire like it's nothing
Cuchanck[]
+ Has good endurance
+ Smarter
+ Faster
- Not as strong
- Has little combat experience
- Not as durable
- Lacks weapons
- Strong Kong would be a huge trump card for Donkey Kong
Next Time[]
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle!
A city emerges from the ocean and a monster with a octopus head and dragon wings ascends. The monster's awakened state spells a psychic apocalypse across the planet, his very presence forcing all living things into a downward spiral of mass insanity. The monster flies over the city. He then hears a roar behind. The monster turns around to see a gigantic dinosaur-like monster with maple leaf-like spines and gills. The dinosaur roars as the monster unfurls it's wings.